


lying to ourselves and to each other

by eeeenby



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Leif Donnelly, Coming Out, Crying, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Genderfluid Tobin Batra, Getting Together, Happy Ending, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Lowkey Nonbinary/Genderfluid Tobin, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Tobin Batra, Other, Queer Aro Tobin, Swearing, coming out to self, internalized homophobia/biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeeenby/pseuds/eeeenby
Summary: That’s fine, that’s normal right? It’s probably normal to think about kissing your best friend? Who’s a guy? And you’re a guy? That's just the hormones right?? Fuck, he should've paid more attention in Health.aka a three part Tobin/Leif story about queer self-discovery :))
Relationships: Tobin Batra/Leif Donnelly
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Part 1: Leif

**Author's Note:**

> i accidentally made this kind of angsty whoops
> 
> anywho, Leif is bi and Tobin is aro-spec and queer! Come along on their self-acceptance and panicked journeys!  
> (as a warning there's some rough emotional stuff they go through surrounding coming out to themselves - but no harassment or any external homophobia towards either of them)
> 
> also most of the first 2/3 of this fic are self reflection/internal thoughts! just a warning if that's not your jam <3

It’s lunch and Leif is with Tobin at their usual table. The cafeteria is loud and busy, but being with Tobin makes it a little less scary. He pushes his lunch around with his fork, nodding along to what Tobin’s rambling about. He can’t remember what it is, but he knows he can get away with just nodding. 

He finds himself watching Tobin: He’s eating a sandwich at the same time he’s talking which is definitely gross but Leif can’t seem to look away. Tobin’s eyes light up like they always do when he gets like this, all excited. Leif gently smiles and hopes it fits with whatever the other is talking about. Tobin’s dark hair swings around, getting knocked out of place with all of his gestures. Without thinking he leans over and moves the hair out of the other’s face, fingers lingering there. It’s then that Leif realizes what he’s done, so he jerks his hand back, furiously blushing. Tobin doesn’t seem to mind and soon carries on jabbering. Leif spends the rest of lunch with eels circling his stomach, trying to disguise his unease.

It’s later that day when Leif lets himself think about lunch again. He closes his door, flings his backpack to the floor, and immediately starts pacing. He lets himself remember his fingers, so close to Tobin’s face. His fingers tingle and his belly erupts into catapults again.  _ Okay okay, this is fine, just have to logically think it out _ . 

Things he knows: He likes girls. And it… kinda feels like what he felt with Tobin at lunch??? That can’t be right though, he can’t be, like, gay or whatever. He likes girls! And besides he wouldn’t even wanna do that stuff with guys… right? He tries to imagine a nondescript guy on the street and whether Leif would want to kiss him. Instead, his veins run with acid and he feels like he’s done something illegal.  _ Fuck fuck fuck, okay it’s fine. It’s just an imaginary scenario. It doesn’t have to mean anything. No one needs to know. _ Leif once again tries to picture a guy and what it would be like to kiss them. His face burns and he looks at the door, ensuring that no one had somehow figured it out. Seeing his closed door, he returns to his head. He tries to imagine kissing this guy but it feels weird and wrong.  _ Great! So he’s just straight then, right? _ But instead of feeling relief and clarity, his stomach only sinks. 

“Stupid _stupid_ stupid brain!” Leif hits his hand against his forehead a few times and then realizes he probably shouldn’t, as his head starts to turn. The bed squeaks as he flops onto it in defeat. All this stupid confusion over one moment. Well... maybe a few moments if he’s being honest. Leif has definitely had these feelings around Tobin before, but he’s simply buried them under the pretense of friendship. They’ve been friends for a while, so he’s just always assumed those feelings were because they’ve been close for so long. _Because that’s what they are, right? Yeah, no, they definitely are. Right?_ If he spends a little more time than normal thinking about Tobin and his face so what? That’s just how best friends feel, right? He lets his mind wander back to his previous experiment and imagines kissing a guy. Leif gets a little lost in thought for a while, tired of corralling his brain.

After a few minutes he jolts up, getting off the bed.  _ Oh no no no no no no.  _ Leif’s stomach does full on gymnastics as he starts pacing again. He’s realized that his imaginary guy transformed into Tobin.  _ That’s fine, that’s normal right? It’s probably normal to think about kissing your best friend? Who’s a guy? And you’re a guy? That's just the hormones right?? Fuck, he should've paid more attention in Health. _ His heart rate spikes and his palms sweat.  _ How is he ever gonna look at his best friend again, knowing he imagined kissing him?? And he kind of liked it? Wait, FUCK. _ Leif realizes what his brain has just spewed at him. His face is a flaming hot cheeto and he is suddenly so tired.

He flops back onto his bed and shoves his head under his pillow, hoping to somehow erase all of today, along with any other time he’s felt this before. Maybe he can just stay home tomorrow... and every day after that.  _ Yeah that seems reasonable.  _

_ Ughhhhhhh. When did life get so hard? _


	2. Part 2: Tobin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin imagines holding Leif’s hand, cuddling, and spending even more time with him. He physically flutters at the thought of being called Leif’s boyfriend. Hmm, well that’s odd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tobin's turn for a crisis :))  
> this takes place roughly a month after the first part!
> 
> warning for crying and angst whoops

His teacher was explaining something important, probably. She was writing on the whiteboard, so it was  _ probably _ important. Tobin couldn’t keep his mind on that though, he knew after so many years of school that he couldn’t, even if he tried his hardest. Instead, he let his gaze shift out the window, on the grass and sky outside. 

After a while, he found himself thinking about Leif again. That seemed to be happening more and more lately. Nothing consequential, just their most recent chat, the show they’ve been watching, and his face. Sometimes he felt a little weird about it, but some days, like today, he indulged himself. He thought about his piercing eyes, his thin lips quirked in a smile, his soft-looking hair. God Tobin wanted to see how soft it was. He shook his head a little at that and felt himself flush. 

_ That was kind of a weird thought for a friend to have, wasn’t it? No, no it wasn’t. _ It was weird that he thought it was weird. It’s just their super close friendship! Sure, sometimes he thought about Leif more than his other friends, but that didn’t mean anything. He hadn’t really felt this for anyone before, but that’s just because they’re best friends. Not that he would really know what it would feel like if it was more than that. He never seemed to understand why people would talk so vibrantly about crushes and dating stuff. Sure, people are attractive and nice but what if he didn’t really want to date anyone? 

Well... if he really thought about it, maybe dating someone like Leif would be okay. They just sort of understood each other, and he wouldn’t mind doing couple-y things with him. Tobin imagines holding Leif’s hand, cuddling, and spending even more time with him. He physically flutters at the thought of being called Leif’s boyfriend.  _ Hmm, well that’s odd. _ Tobin never really thought he’d want to be anyone's boyfriend??? Least of all Leif’s???? Not that he even really wants that. It’s just a thought experiment, he assures himself. His brain already established that it’s just a close friendship. It’s nothing more... right? Tobin feels his face burn and decides that’s enough indulgence for today. He turns his head back to the whiteboard.

The next time these thoughts come up is when he’s with Leif himself. They’re not even really doing anything, just doing homework together with the occasional quip. Tobin’s finding it hard to stay focused again, although he doesn’t think it’s his brain’s fault this time. He glances over at Leif for the sixth time in the past 20 minutes.

Leif is on the floor, mind absorbed in his papers. Tobin watches the way he scratches his head and purses his lips as he reads. He’s beautiful, even like this. It’s then that his stomach drops.  _ Fuck _ . He wants to kiss Leif. Before, he never understood why anyone would want to kiss someone; it always looks so gross and weird! But at this moment, it’s all he can think about, which honestly scares him. Tobin jerks his head back down to his homework, glaring at the page, but not seeing anything. He clears his throat and squirms on his bed, hoping that somehow, something will take his mind off what he cannot stop thinking about. His breath starts to quicken and mind starts to race until,

“Hey... you okay?” Leif asks in a soft voice, lips giving an encouraging smile his way. Tobin stares for far too long, eyes locked on Leif’s lips, before averting his eyes and swallowing.

“Uh yeah, I just- I’m gonna step out for a second.” He barely finishes his sentence before running into the bathroom.

The door slams shut and he slides his back against it, all the way down to the floor. Tobin puts his head in his hands as his heart feels like it's gonna explode.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! What the fuck does he do now?? Fuck, _ he wants to kiss his best friend, who is a guy. When he’s a guy, or at least he thinks he is...? That’s a thought for another day! Unfortunately, Tobin doesn’t think he can just box away his other thoughts. Ones specifically involving Leif and his, uh, lips. Now that he’s acknowledged it, it refuses to be forced back down. He feels tears roll down his cheeks, falling onto his shirt and the tile floor. Somehow it's real now.  


Why did he have to be this way? Why couldn’t life just be simple? He starts to laugh in pity but his voice catches in his throat and it turns into a sob. He covers his mouth with his hand and lets himself bawl, while trying to contain the noise. 

He sits there too long for it to be a normal bathroom break; he knows at least that much. It’s only a matter of time before Leif comes looking, he’s considerate like that. Although the tears have slowed down, his eyes still burn and his nose drips. The sleeve of his sweatshirt is all wet now. Just a little bit longer, he promises himself.

Apparently he waits a little bit too long because he soon hears a few raps at the bathroom door. 

“Hey… are you okay in there?” Tobin can hear the concern in his voice and lets out a small chuckle. Of course the man causing him the most trouble is the one coming to make sure he’s alright.

“Uh yeah, just a bad burrito, you know?” He laughs to try and sell it, but based on Leif’s silence, he isn’t convinced. Tobin waits a few seconds and wonders if the other has left, until,

“Are you gonna tell me the truth?” His voice shakes a little and Tobin can tell he’s either worried or hurt by his lie, maybe both. Tobin sighs.

“…You know me too well.” He unlocks the door and scoots to lean against the opposite wall.

“It’s open.” The door clicks open and Leif slowly peeks his head in. Tobin flicks his head, gesturing for the other to sit against the wall adjacent to him. Leif gently sits down and waits. Tobin is silent for a while, gathering his thoughts and mostly trying not to cry. He doesn’t know what Leif will do if he tells him. They’ve been best friends forever but, could this dumb shit change something?  _ What if Leif is… disgusted or hates him or- _ Tobin begins to cry again and Leif scoots closer, putting his hand on the other’s.

“Hey… it’s okay, we don’t have to talk, I’m here for whatever you need just… let it out.” Tobin gives a half-hearted chuckle at that, tears streaming down his face. Here Leif was being so comforting, asking for no explanation, like always. Tobin realized that after all this, he had to tell Leif something. There’s no way he could just brush it off with another joke like he usually does. Well, he probably could, but he doesn’t think he wants to. After a few more minutes and breaths, Tobin centers himself enough. Eyes trained on the floor, voice and hands trembling, he mumbles, 

“I-… I think I’m gay?” When he finally says the words out loud he immediately starts crying again, this time full on sobbing in front of the other, complete with gasps and chokes. It’s ugly and snotty but Leif immediately wraps himself around Tobin, holding on tight.  _ That had to mean something, right? He’s not disgusted with him? At least not completely?  _ He pushes away those thoughts and lets himself feel comforted, if only for a little while; he’s too tired of fighting. 

The crying slowly turns into sniffling and Leif detaches himself a little, still sitting by Tobin’s side, stroking his hand.

“I, uh… thanks.” Tobin wipes his nose on the back of his hand, leaving a shiny trail. He dares a quick look at the man to his right. Leif mostly just looks concerned and unsure what to do next.

“A- about what you said, I uh- think I might be too? I- I’m not sure but I… I guess I’ve been thinking about that stuff too?” Tobin’s mouth drops open at these words. Meanwhile, Leif’s eyes are cast down, hands picking at his sleeve. He looks up at Tobin again,

“Uh, either way though. Thank you for telling me.” Leif offers a shy smile and rests his hand on Tobin’s once again (luckily not the snotty one). This time fully conscious, Tobin feels his heart flip and smiles back. They sit there for a while longer, both letting out a sigh of relief they didn’t know they’d been holding. This was okay, Tobin could be okay with this, in time.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading!! (also ADHD + ARO + NONBINARY TOBIN heck yeahhhhhh)


	3. Part 3: Where do we go from here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something has changed between them, or at least Leif thinks so. Ever since that day in Tobin’s bathroom, something feels different. He’s not sure if it’s just that they’re emotionally closer or if it’s something else. There’s more touches now, more looks between the two of them. 
> 
> (aka will they actually confront their feelings for each other??)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last one of this series lads!! wahoo!
> 
> (some minor angst/crying but less than the other parts)

Something has changed between them, or at least Leif thinks so. Ever since that day in Tobin’s bathroom, something feels different. He’s not sure if it’s just that they’re emotionally closer or if it’s something else. There’s more touches now, more looks between the two of them. Yet, sometimes it feels like Tobin is pulling back. He gets lost in his thoughts more often, somewhere Leif can’t follow. They’re closer in some ways and farther in others. It’s confusing.

Luckily, Leif likes most of their new dynamic. They’ve started talking more about queer stuff, each getting a little more comfortable in themselves and with each other. It’s nice, having someone to talk to about it. Although it might be selfish, Leif loves the new closeness they’ve found. Like, physically. Tobin often finds excuses for a pat on the shoulder, a lean, or a hug. And if Leif is honest, so does he. His face burns every time, yet he can’t help but ravish it. 

Since coming out to each other, the two have been learning more about the queer community and labels. Leif thinks he might be bisexual(?) and Tobin is currently investigating aromanticism. It’s a nice experience, to go through it with someone you already trust. It does become a problem, however, when Tobin asks about how Leif realized he wasn’t straight. The two were simply sitting on Leif’s floor when Tobin blurted out his question, setting Leif into an internal meltdown.

“I’m sorry if that’s, like, too personal a question, I shouldn’t have asked sorry-” Seeing the way Tobin shrinks back into himself, Leif can’t stop his mouth from saying

“No! No, it’s fine! It’s not too personal!” Tobin lets out a relieved sigh and hesitantly turns his eyes to the other. It was then that Leif realized that his crush ( _ Crush? Yeah crush _ , Leif finally admits to himself) had basically asked him what his gay awakening was.  _ IT WAS YOU, BITCH _ , his brain unhelpfully shouts at him. Leif blinks at Tobin, mind in shambles. After several more seconds, he finally starts,

“Um, well, you know… I just kind of, had a few instances…? Like, with a guy and I was like, hey it’s probably a sign that I’m not straight, given that I’m trying so hard to convince myself I am. You know?” Leif gives a wary glance at Tobin, who appears to be processing. After a second he gives a curt nod,

“Mmm, yeah okay.” Tobin stays silent for a while, his expression unreadable. Leif can’t help but feel he said the wrong thing, despite having no clue why.

“Uh, what about you?”

“...Hmm? Oh, uh, the same as you I guess.” Leif doesn’t quite believe it from the tone of his voice.

“...Yeah? I had a whole thing because I liked girls and stuff too...” Leif trails off, hoping that Tobin might join in. He waits a few seconds longer and his wish is granted.

“I mean, I… didn’t really have that? I’m kind of toying with the label demiromantic? Or something like that? So, I guess I didn’t really know what, like,  _ romantic attraction _ felt like?” Tobin pauses, continuing to stare out the window while Leif waits.

“...Uh, it’s just been like, this one person, I guess. Which, I didn’t really know I hadn’t felt romantic attraction until I did? If that makes sense?” Leif takes a second and then nods.

“Yeah, I think that makes sense…” He pauses, debating whether he should continue. Against his better judgement he goes for it. 

“Just out of curiosity, um, who… who is it? Like, is it still current or..?” Leif holds his breath, unsure if he wants to hear the answer. He’s said it now, though, so there’s no going back. At this, Tobin lets out a half-hearted smile and glances at him for a second. He pauses a little too long, and then lets out an easy grin.

“Well, it’s definitely still current, and it’s this guy I’ve known for a while,” he starts, still smiling at Leif. Leif can’t help but feel a little spark of hope, only to be doused quickly by his anxiety.  _ Fuck _ he shouldn’t have asked. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Tobin keeps telling him about the guy he likes. Leif arranges his face to be supportive and nods for the other to continue.

“He makes me laugh a lot, and we know each other really well. He’s absolutely fucking stunning,” Tobin’s really getting excited now, a wide grin fully taking over his face and Leif cracks sooner than he expected. The room starts to get blurry and a trickle makes its way down his left cheek.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Are you okay?” Tobin’s worried deep brown eyes look into his and Tobin carefully wicks the tear with his thumb, leaving his hand against Leif’s face.

“Yeah I’m- I’m okay,” he sniffs out. Even Leif isn’t convinced by his answer. 

“What’s wrong?” Tobin’s voice is so gentle it almost breaks Leif’s heart.

“It- It’s stupid,” he tries, as he sniffles as his voice is choked.

“Hey. No it’s not. I’m here for whatever you need, okay?” Leif can’t fathom speaking again, so he just nods and lets himself be scooped into Tobin’s arms. They sit on the floor like that for a long time, Tobin slightly rocking them as Leif sniffs. His eyes become red, and his nose raw. Sometimes Tobin hums softly, which fills Leif so full of love he starts crying again. The room slowly gets dimmer as the sun sets, casting a golden glow on the two. It’s weird seeing his room like this, Leif thinks. It’s quiet and golden and sideways and Tobin is here holding him.  _ I hope he’s always here to hold me _ , Leif lets himself think.

After a while, Tobin apparently decides that Leif sounds better enough, because he unwraps himself, leaving Leif a kiss on the forehead. Tobin starts to back away but Leif grabs his wrist. Tobin’s eyes squint, but doesn’t back away. They are far too close for it to be a friendly distance and both of them know it. Leif could swear Tobin’s eyes flick down to his lips, but that could just be because Leif is unabashedly staring at Tobin’s.

“Can I kiss you?” Leif whispers, voice still a little horse. He doesn’t have to wait for a reply because Tobin crashes his lips against Leif’s, almost knocking them over, and Leif is so  _ so _ incredibly happy. He fervently kisses back, losing any sense of hesitation or uncertainty. After knowing each other for so long, the two feel the need to make up for lost time and basically attack each other. At some point they pause to catch their breath, and Leif has never seen a more beautiful sight than Tobin, lips chapped, speechless, and grinning so brightly. Leif pulls the two of them down onto the floor, essentially squishing himself under Tobin. He can’t really breathe but he couldn’t care less. As they hit the floor, Tobin stops just above Leif’s face and strokes his cheek with his thumb.

“You’re so beautiful,” Tobin whispers, mouth hovering inches above Leif’s. He chuckles, seeing Leif’s face become a hue of soft rose and brings his lips to the other’s.

After much longer than it probably should have been, the two separate, and lie on the floor side by side. They grin until their faces hurt. After a bit longer, Tobin notices dark purple out the window,

“Oh shit, I definitely missed the bus,” he chuckles.

“I guess you did,” Leif responds, biting his lip. After reluctantly getting up and checking to make sure he looks somewhat presentable, Leif offers a hand,

“I’ll drive you home, c’mon.” Tobin smiles, takes his hand, and lets himself be dragged behind the other. 

It’s a relatively short drive to Tobin’s, especially considering the lack of traffic this late. Leif pulls the car up to Tobin’s house, but doesn’t make any move to get out. Tobin starts gathering his stuff, but Leif’s outstretched hand stops him. 

“I- Um, thank you… for a wonderful night,” Leif whispers, suddenly shy despite having literally made out with him just half an hour ago. Tobin gives a bright smirk and retorts,

“Anytime,” with a wink. The two share a chuckle and each lean over the console. Leif cups Tobin’s face and gives him a short but sweet kiss, leaving Tobin winded. He grabs his stuff out of the car and steps out, a goofy smile on his face. He hesitates and leans back in, giving Leif one tiny last peck.

“Good night.” Leif watches as Tobin makes his way to the door, staying until he gets inside the house and waves. The lights in the house turn out and Leif screams in his empty car.  _ Holy SHIT. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor oblivious Leif, you dummy, Tobin is talking about you. i love my queer idiots :))
> 
> anyways i hope you enjoyed this series!! thanks for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! (@meowingthroughlife on tumblr if u care to follow)


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